The stigma surrounding LGBT

I am fiercly supportive of the LGBT community, for several reasons: one of my best friends is bisexual, I myself do not identify as a heterosexual, and EVERYONE has the right to love.

So, naturally, when I came back to India after 7 months to meet my parents, I wanted to share my thoughts with them. After all, my mother is one of my biggest confidants, and I love talking to her about such topics.

However, this was a BIG mistake.

I knew it would be absolutely stupid to discuss this with my father. After all, he was born in a village in rural India. He would never understand. With my mother, however, I discussed this topic.

At the time, she seemed pretty alright with it. As the days passed, however, maybe she changed her mind, maybe her Indian instincts kicked in? So today, when she got angry at me, she said that she hoped my kids would be gay, and not continue my lineage, whatever that means.

It wasn’t what she said that hurt me so much, it was the way she said it. She genuinely feels that this is disgusting, and a curse. That this is the worst thing that could happen with my life.

I feel like I brought this upon myself and feel so stupid, on the other hand I simply cannot believe that this is my mother. I’m not disgusted, just so, so sad. And I know this is horrible, but thank goodness I’m not gay. Perhaps my mother would’ve murdered me if I was.

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Bleagh

I’m always underestimating myself.

Be it my value in society, my academic abilities or my willpower. It’s a vicious cycle, and I just keep dragging myself down.

What makes it worse is that society helps cement these negative perceptions that I have. Be it wrong company or just misfortune, these thoughts keeps getting corroborated. And I continue to wallow in my own pity.

It’s so complicated and so fucked up and I don’t have the energy (nor the ability) to put my thoughts into words.

Which causes my self-esteem to plummet even further. I always thought that communication was my strong suit, what with my IELTS score and Literature and all. But it’s been so long since I’ve done anything to hone those skills that I’ve forgotten how to pen down the words in my head.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt this way.

Whatever it is, I CAN’T WAIT to go back to India. I have a feeling that binging on my mother’s amazing Palak Paneer and rambling about how much I hate college in Hindi to her will help. She (and Papa, and Nanaji, and Atharv, and Mama-Mami) are the vegan Chicken Soup for the Soul that I need.

You probably have no idea what I just said. Those people are my baes in India. My parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin. The ones who give unconditionally.

I just remembered that my baby cousin is always asking for my kisses on Skype. Maybe I’m not so worthless after all.

Ahhhhh. 14 days. I’ve never looked forward to sweating like a mad cow more.

 

One of a Kind

A Facebok friend shared this really depressing article about how Gen X is always disappointed, because from a young age they are told that they are special.

Realising that you are not as significant as you always thought you were is extremely painful. I would know, since all I seem to be doing is disappointing.

My parents still don’t believe me when I tell them that I’m not their special little star. They don’t understand.

So I guess this post is just a reminder to myself: be a realistic parent. Sounds harsh but it’s for the best.

home

I miss home.

I used to think that Singapore was home, but what they say is true. Home is where the heart is.

And my heart is broken because my home is going through some hard times. All I can do is skype home and cry. Count down the days to when I can hold the two broken pillars of my home, and tell them how much I love them.

I feel terribly guilty though. It seems that I only remember them when I’m having a hard time. But they love me, and I am so, so grateful.

It’s a vicious cycle though. All they want is for me to be happy, which is why I’m here. But I’m not happy here. Most definitely not. And them seeing me not happy is making them unhappy. This goes on, and on, and on.

As we see pixelated tears on dusty screens, we remember the good old times. Can we ever go back? Or are we damaged goods, non-refundable, a burden to everyone around us.

 

 

Of character development and depression

I think it’s a indisputable fact that we want to be popular. We want to be known, and to be cherised, loved, adored, missed.

It’s also true that when you have a friend who has all these things and you, well, don’t, it sucks.

This friend (let’s call her Baby, since she’s well-loved by everyone), sat me down at supper and did a character assassination of yours truly. My wounds are still fresh, and my ego has been hurt.

But more importantly, this friend has shaken up my ideals.

I always thought that being yourself was the key to being liked. Yet, after 6 months of living in this city, I find myself alone. I am loud, rambunctious, and in essence: annoying. And now I am wondering if I can change myself.

Ah, how the truth hurts.

My vacation is ending!!!

I truly cannot believe it.

My student visa has been approved and I just need to apply for my single-entry visa, and that’s it! I’m gonna leave my parents and grandparents and aunt and uncle and my angelic baby cousin and the nicest people I’ve ever met and going back to Malaysia.

And I am feeling so apprehensive.

There may be at least a trillion questions floating around in my head?? Like what if ACCA isn’t right for me? What if I hate it? What if everyone hates me? What if I’m way too stupid to learn anything?

But it’s futile to think about these things.

I am very excited though, don’t get me wrong. I’m going to live in KL! The night-life, food and ambience is just AHMAZING there, a lot more so than the relatively slow-paced life of JB. It’s probably a lot more expensive as well though, so I guess I’m going to have to do a lot of meal prepping.

And I’m going to be living alone! I am going to miss my family like crazy, but I look forward to this new chapter of my life. I am excited to grow and learn and make mistakes and have a blast. Thankfully i do know some people from my time back in JB, so it won’t be too lonely.

All in all, I have way too many feelings to be able to put down. My heart is stirring like rojak. Here’s hoping I made the right choice.

We Are Indians! We don’t change.

you are so right… how depressing.

The Thoughtful Indian

We Are Indians! We don’t change.

We are Indians and we will continue to spit on the no spitting sign, we will continue to smoke in a no smoking area, we will continue to listen loud music even after 11:00 PM, we will never put waste in dustbins, we need to ‘Chain’ the glass with drinking water tanks, we need to put ‘Remove Footwear’ sign in front of temples, we need to write ‘Be In A Line’ on the walls near ticket counter, we litter near ‘No Littering’ sign and in short, ‘We will never change’

But we will always criticize the person in power because they are the one who are doing nothing other than scams and corruption.

We like things this way because we don’t want to do something.
We don’t want to go near the dustbin to throw waste because either we don’t care to find or…

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Blank

Of life she writes.

Sometimes there are no explanations.

No reasons to explain why something may or may not happen.

Today, My mind was blank.

It wasn’t until I got some caffeine and some peanut butter in my system that I was able to think about words and how to arrange them.

My mind had no idea what to process and what to think about, it didn’t know how to put words into sentences and sentences down on paper.

There is no reason behind feelings.

There is no reason behind something that happened to you when you were five years old.

A person would say that this happened to you, so that you’d learn a lesson that will be valuable to you in the future.

another person would say that It happened to you because you were stupid and you didn’t know what to do.

Maybe you didn’t need to go through that to…

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sunglasses

What I’ve learnt today is that you end up perceiving things, events, people the way you subconsciously want to. And this subconscious “default setting” comes about from how you perceive yourself.

Do I make any sense?

Let’s just say that I thought a person was avoiding me because he/she did not like me (that’s my default setting: low self esteem) when in reality that person didn’t want to disturb me while I was studying. At least, that’s what the person said.

But whether this is true or not doesn’t matter.

What matters is the fact that I oh-so-quickly JUMPED to the conclusion that I had a bad personality or whatever.

My glasses are tinted with negativity.

Need an alkali to treat it with.

(I couldn’t help that joke pls forgive me oh chemists)

Friends

They’re so difficult to find.

A friendship can go two ways: it could be so wonderful that you’re thankful for their presence in your life. Or it could hurt as much as a heartbreak.

It’s up to you to have the strength to just not care (when it’s the latter).

I’m not proud to say that I have a long way to go.

Till then, I have my amazing mother to comfort me; when I feel like a friendless loser.

I used to say that my sister is my best friend, but now I think my mother shares the top spot with her.