Bleagh

I’m always underestimating myself.

Be it my value in society, my academic abilities or my willpower. It’s a vicious cycle, and I just keep dragging myself down.

What makes it worse is that society helps cement these negative perceptions that I have. Be it wrong company or just misfortune, these thoughts keeps getting corroborated. And I continue to wallow in my own pity.

It’s so complicated and so fucked up and I don’t have the energy (nor the ability) to put my thoughts into words.

Which causes my self-esteem to plummet even further. I always thought that communication was my strong suit, what with my IELTS score and Literature and all. But it’s been so long since I’ve done anything to hone those skills that I’ve forgotten how to pen down the words in my head.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt this way.

Whatever it is, I CAN’T WAIT to go back to India. I have a feeling that binging on my mother’sĀ amazingĀ Palak Paneer and rambling about how much I hate college in Hindi to her will help. She (and Papa, and Nanaji, and Atharv, and Mama-Mami) are the vegan Chicken Soup for the Soul that I need.

You probably have no idea what I just said. Those people are my baes in India. My parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin. The ones who give unconditionally.

I just remembered that my baby cousin is always asking for my kisses on Skype. Maybe I’m not so worthless after all.

Ahhhhh. 14 days. I’ve never looked forward to sweating like a mad cow more.